No beer, no money, no peaches
by OrpheumZero
Summary: What happens when certain Straw Hats run out of their favorite things? Complete. Total. Insanity. Please read & review. Any suggestions for improvements are welcome.


No beer, no money, no peaches...

I actually came up with this little bit not long after I started my "From the Stars" story, but had decided to wait until I was finished with that so as not to make people confused if they were still following that and wondering how 'this' fits in. If you ever read my 'Greatest Foe' story, in which the Straw Hats face off with the most powerful force in all existence.... (..Go read it, I'm not gonna spoil it here :P) Basically, it's crack-fic or whatever you'd call it, lots of complete insanity, partially nudity, and cursing...

#

It was just an ordinary day on the Grand Line, a peaceful, relaxing day...

"And so, that's how I became the honorary Prince of the Lost Kingdom." Ussop finished yet another of his tall tales, cupping his chin in a pseudo-serious manner while Chopper sat frozen in awe. Beside him was Orpheum, who listened to the fabricated story with a warm smile, all three sitting on barrels near the kitchen.

"THAT WAS AMAZING! I wish I could see the Lost Kingdom!" The tiny reindeer shouted gleefully, urging the sniper to wag his finger and click his tongue.

"Patience my dear Chopper, the way to the Magic Kingdom is not so easy to find." Ussop said, trying to make up a convincing reason to 'delay' a visit to the non-existent kingdom. Orpheum stood up and stretch, letting out a relaxed yawn as he brushed back some stray hair.

"That was great story, Ussop, I always enjoying hearing them." The man said, his words playfully hinting he was onto the liar. Chopper, as usual, didn't catch on and urged the sniper to tell another story while their alien friend entered to the kitchen.

"Hey Orpheum, ya looking for something?" Sanji looked over his shoulder as he skillfully sliced up various vegetables.

"Just getting a snack, do we have any peaches left?" Orpheum asked the blonde chef, heading for a bowl of fruits to look.

"Sorry, but we just ran out. Our shitty captain scarfed down nearly all the fruit reserves yesterday." Sanji said.

Outside on deck, all eyes turned to the kitchen as a loud cry of anguish was heard. Suddenly the entire left side of the kitchen was blown apart, and a figure could be seen inside the smoke.

"PEACHES!" The figure howled, drawing confused looks from most of the crew. Orpheum staggered from the smoke, his left eye twitching erratically. The man then flopped onto the lawn deck bodily, convulsing.

"No more.... no more peaches... AHAHAAHHHAAA!" Orpheum laughed insanely, the looks of confusion from the others now completely disturbed.

"What the hell is going on?!" Nami asked aloud to no one in particular, utterly flabbergasted at the sight of a grown man crying over peaches. Zoro, who was in her line of sight, merely shrugged and muttered something about going to 'get a drink'. The sounds of coughing could heard near the kitchen and Sanji emerged, looking battered, but still quite alive.

"Crazy bastard..." The blonde muttered, brushing off his suit.

"Sanji, are you alright?" Nami called from the deck, too disturbed to walk over as Orpheum flopped like a fish out of water on the grass.

"Dearest, sweet Nami, my heart soars high knowing that you're concerned for my well being!" Hearts appeared in Sanji's eyes as he switched into love-cook mode, swooning dramatically. Chopper and Ussop eyed the flailing Orpheum, too scared to go near him, and too scared to turn their backs. Luffy on the other hand, looked down at the writhing alien with a perplexed look.

"That's odd, why's he getting so bent out of shape because of peaches? Sounds stupid." The raven haired captain remarked.

"Like you're one to talk, Mr I-can't-go-for-a-day-without-meat." Nami remarked, glaring at Luffy.

"What, me? I've never gotten like this." Luffy jerked a thumb behind him to Orpheum, who was now lying completely still, his eyes staring off into the sky.

"YOU TRIED TO EAT CHOPPER AND FRANKY'S HAIR!" Nami barked, her teeth snapping like jaws as her anger flared. But before the argument could continue, a furious cursing arose from below deck. Seconds later, Zoro emerged looking agitated.

"We're out of booze." The swordsman muttered, holding his head as though suffering a powerful migraine. He then started to head back, "I'm gonna go do some weight lifting..."

"Um, actually, Zoro. About that, the gym door is busted." Franky started, scratching his head nervously. The green haired man turned and look to the cyborg.

"Then I'll bust the door down."

"Oh no you won't. It's already gonna cost us a fortune to replace the wall _this_ idiot destroyed." Nami said, uncrossing her arms to wave a hand towards Orpheum, who occasionally flopped violently on the ground. Zoro slumped, then turned back to the deck with his head down while muttering, "No beer... and no lifting..."

"Zoro? What's wrong?" Chopper approached the swordsman, albeit hesitantly.

"No beer.... and no lifting... make Zoro go...something..." Zoro looked down at Chopper, though a shadow cast by the angle of his tilted head made it hard to be seen by the others.

"Crazy?..." The tiny reindeer chirped as he saw the deranged look in Zoro's face.

"DON'T MIND IF I DO!!!" Zoro cackled, drawing his swords while howling madly. He then chased the poor doctor across the deck, all the while Nami stared slack jawed. Ussop and Luffy sweat dropped, muttering 'bad choice of words.'

"Has everyone gone crazy or something today?!" She cried, becoming stressed out by the annoying habits of her crewmates.

"Miss Navigator, I regret to inform you, but we're out of funds." Robin calmly entered from below deck, ignoring the antics of Zoro and Orpheum. Ussop swore he spotted lightening in the sky as Robin finished her sentence. Nami appeared to have been struck by lightening.

"Little sister?" Franky reached out a hand, laying it on Nami's shoulder. But the large palm was shaken off as the orange haired navigator began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Oh no..." Franky mumbled, almost gripping his hair in exasperation as he watched yet another crewmate had snap.

"This day can't get any weirder..." The blue haired cyborg was saying out loud, until he heard the sound of someone singing drawing closer.

_I don't worry! Worrying don't agree! Things that bother you, never bother me!_

"What... the... hell?" Didn't come close to describing the sight that danced past Franky. Brook, holding a violin with broken strings, dancing like a ballerina and singing.

_Things that bother you, never bother me! I feel happy and fine! AHA! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight! Having a wonderful time!_

The dancing skeleton vanished past the broken kitchen, leaving a stupefied Franky and Ussop. Sanji had meanwhile attempted to talk down Nami, who as climbing up the mast and swinging a broken coffee mug, only to be kick in the face and knocked unconscious.

"That was weird." Ussop said flatly. Some distance behind the two, Chopper ran by screaming, Zoro still chasing him like a crazed butcher. The sniper was about to turn to Franky and say something when he noticed the cyborg shaking visibly.

"Oi, Franky? You ok?" The curly haired teen asked, fearing the worst. A hollow _ping_ drew his attention to the floor, where an empty can of soda roll across the deck.

"Uh-oh...." Ussop muttered, backing away slowly, Franky's shaking becoming more violent.

"THIS IS NOT SUPER! NOT SUPER AT ALL!!!" Franky pivoted on his feet so fast it seemed like he didn't turn. His eyes were bloodshot, and steam poured from his metal nose. The cyborg then began to pound on his chest, growling and grunting like a gorilla. Ussop ducked out of the way as Franky ran off, flailing his arms and disappearing below deck.

"This day can't get any stranger..." The shocked sniper said aloud, slapping his face in disbelief. Looking around, Ussop suddenly realized that Luffy was missing.

"Oh no, where's Luffy?!" Looking around frantically, Ussop tried to spot the wiry captain. Feeling a finger tapping his shoulder, the honorable liar did a double take. Luffy, along with Chopper who had long since eluded Zoro, and Robin, stood before Ussop wearing white lab coats.

"We need scissors, 61!" The trio spoke in unison, then crossed the egg beaters each held in their hands. Ussop stagged back, and looked around. Nami was swinging from the flag ropes, the cup clutched in her mouth. Zoro had joined Brook in his song and dance, putting on a duet for a tied up Sanji. Franky's gorilla like grunts could be heard below deck, as well as the sounds of things breaking. While Orpheum continued to lie motionless on the ground, making fish lips.

"Just peachy..." Ussop sighed, his wits completely fried.

"PEACHES?! AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Orpheum shouted, leaping onto his feet and then performing continuous back-flips until he fell overboard, leaving a stunned Ussop. Before he could remark about the strange sight, a cup landed squarely on Ussop, knocking him out.

It was a normal day on the Grand Line, nothing special...

THE END.


End file.
